Friday, March 23, 2007

Why Do People Cheat?

My grandfather told me that the smart guy learns from watching others. So here's some of what I've learned from the men's ministries I've been involved in through the years...........

Why is it, that, when someone is married to someone who is very good-looking, and nice, do they still find themselves with the urge to explore a relationship with someone else?

Sometimes this just doesn’t make sense. I mean, a guy who is successful, has a gorgeous, loving wife at home who takes good care of him and the kids and the home, still searches the internet for someone else willing for meaningless sex? Why would he do that? (another question is why would some woman subject herself to a man like that. But that’s something we’ll explore later).

The answer, I believe, is quite simple. Most times, when people stray, the person(s) they stray with are somewhat less appealing than their spouses. You see, people who stray aren’t looking for something better, they’re just looking for “something”. Anything, actually. There is something missing at home that they are not getting.

We get busy with our lives, fall into a rut with our day to day activities, and we tend to forget those little things that used to be so incredibly important to us. Intimacy. Now, I’m not talking about sex here, although that does contribute heavily at times. Remember when you used to go for walks together? Spend time together doing nothing, just talking? Or maybe even just hanging out together, whatever it took to just be near each other, with those occasional loving glances you used to give each other, then smile and blush and you just knew there was someone nearby that loves you more than anything.

What happened? Where did that go? Those romantic times become fewer and fewer, and those moments seem to happen less often until one day, you realize that you are now only living with someone you just feel “comfortable” with. You drift further and further apart.

Well, guess what? People still need that intimacy! We all still need that closeness, that “oneness”, that loving feeling we get when your mate gives you that special look, or just takes the time to talk to you. Why do people stop talking to each other? For whatever reason, stop it. Get back to where you once were. Rekindle that flame. Re-ignite that spark. Fall in love all over again. Remember, it isn’t just about sex, although that does play a big part. If your spouse isn’t getting what they need from you, they just may start looking elsewhere. We all have needs, and those needs need to be filled.

The long and short of it is this: People get comfortable, fall into a rut, get bored. But these same people have needs and wants and desires. If you won’t fulfill their needs, they’ll find someone else who can, or is just willing to. The Bible tells to fulfill each other’s needs, so that when you are apart, you will not be tempted. There, you see? God already knew about this!

I know it is difficult for most guys to open up and share their feelings, but come on guys! This is your wife we’re talking about! She’s a part of you! Share yourself with her!

Ladies, take care of your husbands, so they never want for anything or anyone else! Yes, it may be difficult for some of you. So guys, give her good reason to WANT to take care of your needs. Treat her well, and give her good reasons to respect you. (Just try being NICE to each other).

Here’s an idea……try having an affair………with your spouse! Re-kindle that excitement.
Spend some time together, talk. I mean really talk. Not just about your day and daily issues, but about your feelings you had that day. When you got married you became one with your spouse, right?

So start acting like it.

Just 15 minutes a day, every day. That’s all you need to get started. Just 15 minutes a day. Make a little time for each other and just….talk.

The rest is up to you.

******Added for Clarification*******

As usual, this article is aimed at trying to get the reader to think. Not what to think or how to think, but to think. How does this subject apply to your own life? This article can be read or taken in different ways, and apparently it has been.

I did not mean in any way to imply that it is okay to blame someone else for your own foolish choices. What I've shared here are things I've learned from listening to people who were actually involved in such activities. What I didn't say was that these individuals learned from their mistakes and realized that they had made their own foolish choices. Each one understands now that they should have openly told their spouse how they felt at the time. Some spouses forgave, reconciled the marriage and moved forward. Some didn't. But that wasn't the point. The point was to try to get people to see themselves and stop any potentially damaging activity before it has a chance to develop.

But you see, the enemy (devil) likes to work his way in very slowly so we usually don't recognize that it is him trying to influence our lives. Once a person is involved in some kind of sin (porn, chat rooms, etc...) their first reaction is to try to hide it. Things get progressively worse as we delve deeper into the sin.

The Bible tells us that a husband no longer belongs to himself, but to his wife. And the wife, in the same way, now belongs to her husband. It also says we are not to neglect our spouse (in any way) so that when you're apart, you will not be tempted. (1 Corinthians 7:3-5)

But in the end, as Tracey pointed out, we are all responsible for our own actions.
So take some time to just stop and think. The rest is still up to you.


my4kids said...

Your right Dude. When the hubby and I look back on times we were not getting along and our relationship wasn't so good we weren't taking time together to just talk or be together. A lot of that time was when the kids were really little and we just didn't feel like we had the time. We both finally realized we needed time to be that couple we were before kids and marriage and started taking time to be together just the two of us. Also every day after work we have our time together were we discuss our days and thoughts about how things are going, without talking about the kids. It has been good for us. A few years ago we were not doing well and I didn't always like being around him, I loved him but sometimes I didn't feel like I really liked him at times until we both decided we needed to get back to our time together to just be us. Our relationship now is better then it has ever been we both trust each other and we know how the other feels. It's not always easy though to get a guy to actually talk about his thoughts sometimes I felt like I couldn't get him to talk about more then what happened today but now we talk about what we think about our days and how things are going. Its great. It also helps our relationship in other ways as well, I'm sure you know what I mean.

David said...

very good advice

Gerbil said...

There was some stupid show on last year about people who were having affairs and the commercials made me so mad, Husband got to be a whizz at lightning-fast channel changes before I got too worked up.

I don't "get" infidelity. It infuriates me.

HeiressChild said...

then you have those people who are getting what is needed at home, but because of their own selfishness, they still stray. these are the ones who have some issues within themselves.

when my husband was living, we rode home from work together, so we had time to talk and share before we picked the children up from daycare, as well as when we put them to bed. good sound advice alpha dude.

Anonymous said...

I think part of the "glue" in Neil and my marriage is that practically every night when we come home from work we sit on our recliners and we talk for 20 minutes or so, just talking about whatever is on our minds. It has been such an essential part of our marriage and we both miss it when we don't have that 20 minutes together, even for a day. I agree with you on this post. I also agree with what Sylvia said. Some people just drift apart, but then others do have it all and walk away, towards something a bit more "exciting". One of my friends have just gone through a horrific time of it. She and her husband are young and their marriage just seemed to be so neat. Then he decided to dabble around in porn and not just any porn, but gay porn and then finally he started a gay relationship and now they are heading to divorce court and the very, very interesting thing to me is this: His counselor is now trying to convince this man that he is no longer bisexual, but is now homosexual all the way. The whole story has just put my emotions into shock when I sit down to think about it all. It is all about selfishness, this man, even after coming out to his wife was still trying to get her into bed, he has such a bad addiction with sex and she just couldn't satisfy him, but now he isn't satisfied either, recently he wrote out suicide letters to his wife and kids and parents and was going to commit suicide, but decided against it and then told my friend about it all. For a few lustfilled moments of passion he gave up the best thing he ever had. Pure and utter selfishness and foolishness!

Tracey said...

Hmmm...Perhaps I'm reading you wrong. It feels as though you're saying the reason someone strays is the other person's fault. Which isn't the case in the least.

We are all responsible for our own actions. We cannot say "They didn't take care of me, therefore I looked elsewhere for a quickie." That would not sit right with God in the least.

Regardless of how boring or pitiful you view your relationship with your spouse, you need to do what you can on your end to A) change it for the better and B) honor that commitment that you made before God.

Sometimes we think we're being short changed when in fact we're the ones doing the short changing. Blaming your spouse (or the spouse of a friend or family member who is being cheated on) is a cop out, IMO...

(Sheesh, horribly bold of me for a first time visit to your blog! Hope you don't mind seeing the flip side of the coin. And please, if I'm way off base with how I read your post, do let me know!)

Tracey said...

Thanks, Dude, for putting up with me =) And I very much agree with spending priority time with your spouse. It's terribly important to make that the priority; not the kids, not taking out the trash, not talking to your mother about her latest crisis...

I know that is something niether my husband or myself witnessed as children growing up, which makes it difficult to do as adults (especially when we married at a young age!)

That Chick Over There said...

Or maybe they are just huge jerks who don't really love their spouse and don't care if they hurt their children.

That could be it too.


That Chick Over There said...

Hey, I nominated you for a Thinking Blogger award. Come on by my site for the deets when you have a chance. :)

The Old Fart said...

Another good post. I agree we sometimes get so wrapped up in the unimportant things that we forget the real reason why we get attracted to our mates to begin with.

A Blessed Sunday is wished for you and your family

Debbie said...

Paying attention to each other and being just plain kind to each is so important. I agree though, that we are each responsible for our own actions and if a person is not happy they should open their mouth and say so.

Katrina A. said...

Ladies, I have a secret for you that I recently learned. If you show your husband respect, real honest to goodness respect, not faked or fabricated, he will have no reason to cheat....unless he's a complete selfish moron. But we always expect them to love us like the word says and we forget that we are told to respect them. Even if they don't always deserve it, find something!! It changes things me it works.

EE said...

love your going to settle down later tonight and read more!!!
Well said!

Alpha Dude said...

Katrina - you nailed it.
Most women refuse to do that though.
For the same selfish reasons.