Friday, April 20, 2007

I Must Be Famous or something….

First, an update.
My darling little wife Patch (The “One-Eye” Love), is starting to get itchy. I think that means she is beginning to heal since she’s also getting some feeling back in her eye. She must be eating her chocolate.
We can’t get her white gauze eye patch wet, so she can’t shower to wash her hair. She can take a bath, though. So I bought her some rubber duckies to play with in the tub. She thought that was silly, but when I got home the next night, they were unpackaged and sitting by the tub. (Hmmmmm……)

She was complaining about her hair being “greasy” so I rigged up the kitchen island next to the sink, propped her up with some towels for comfort and washed her hair in the kitchen sink. Salon style. Anything for the “One-Eye” love.

Last night I took her to dinner and then to the grocery store. They only had one checkout lane open and the line was long. The store’s assistant manager came over and led us to an empty checkout lane that she opened just for us. She told other customers that she was only doing this for us and that this lane is closed. She must have thought we are celebrities or something. Maybe she’s read my blog.
Any prideful feelings were quickly dashed when she asked for my Kroger card and I confidently handed her my Marsh card. I got teased about that and had to hear about it all the way home. Right store, wrong card.

I really must be famous or something because I am being interviewed by another famous celebrity blogger by the name of That Chick Over There. Her real name is….yeah right, she doesn’t reveal that on her own blog, so out of respect, you won’t find it here either.

I don’t believe Barbara Walters or Katie Couric would ask me these particular questions, but I did leave myself open to that quirky chick’s weirdness, so without further adieu, here’s what her inquiring mind wants to know…….

1) You have the option to become a woman. Do you? Why or why not?
No. Absolutely not. Why? Because I am a wimp. I don’t think I have the kind of strength it takes to be a woman. Women have babies, and having been present at my children’s births, I cannot see why anyone would voluntarily go through that more than once. Women also put up with a lot of stuff from their husbands and children. They have the patience of a saint. Why else do you think fathers tell their children “Go ask your mother”? Also, high heels, panty hose, girdles, bras, that monthly visit from aunt flo? Sorry, I just couldn’t handle it.
Don’t get me wrong. I love, respect, admire and adore women, I just wouldn’t want to be one of them. I like being able to pee standing up.

2) You are given the ability to commit a crime with absolutely no repercussions. Which crime do you choose and why?
To pummel and hang the bad red dude. A little red car cut me off on my way to work this morning. The road I take doesn’t allow many opportunities to go around or pass someone who is going …….way……to…….slow. As we approached the intersection to make a turn, this amazing young fellow slowed down just short of stopping, waited until the light changed to red, and then took off. Leaving me in the middle of the intersection with oncoming traffic approaching. The first time I figured he was just an idiot who didn’t know where he was. I was not tailgating and I was not being pushy. However, he did this to me a second time on a wide and sweeping left turn. This also enabled me to see his face, and he was grinning and laughing at me. I saw the devil’s face this morning and he laughed at me.
Actually, pounding this twerp may not be a crime. It could be considered a public service.
Sorry if that seems lame. It just isn’t in me to commit a crime, so it is difficult to come up with something. Besides, who wants the FBI pounding on their door? “Sir? About that desire to staple Hillary Clinton’s mouth shut…” See? Another public service. Not a crime.

3) You can confront someone in your life (or your past) and say whatever you feel like. They are not allowed to respond to you in any way. Who do you confront and what would you say?
Dear ex-wife,
You never once affirmed me or acknowledged any of my accomplishments. I did so much for you and tried my best to better myself in every way so you would always have everything you would ever need or desire. Instead of affirmation, you ridiculed me and made fun of me in front of family, friends and our children. I was the only person in your life who loved you unconditionally and stood by you no matter what. I was willing to do whatever it took to help you and see you through your problems. But you threw me away. I guess you really are afraid to let anyone get too close.
I had no choice but to move on and now have a wife who appreciates me and affirms me. Because of the hell you put me through that forced me to grow and become a better husband, a better father and a better man of God, my new wife is forever grateful. Because of your hatred, meanness and selfishness, she is now reaping the benefits of what you so casually tossed aside. She said to tell you “Thanks”. You blew it.

4) If you could only eat one thing for the rest of your life, what would it be and why?
Chocolate. Do you really need a reason why?

5) When was the exact moment you knew for sure you would marry your wife?
Right after she said “yes”.

Actually…..we had gotten to know each other rather well through our letters to each other (pen pals, remember?). In one letter she said she was falling in love with me. I told her I had a lot of faults (at least that’s all I heard about in my first marriage), and asked her if she could love me in spite of all my faults. She said she loved me, not in spite of my faults, but because of them. I felt warmth return to my heart where there was once coldness and bitterness. She was for real and I desired at that moment to spend the rest of my life to show her how much I appreciate all that she is. And we hadn’t even physically met in person yet.

So there you have it. There were no questions about foreign policy, religion or that Winnebago in Winnemucca so I guess the interview went relatively smoothly.

If you wanna play, here’s what you do.

1. Leave me a comment saying, “Interview me.” If I don’t have your email address, leave it for me in the comments.

2. I will respond by emailing you five questions. I get to pick the questions.

3. You will update your blog with the answers to the questions.

4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the same post.

5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.

Batter Up!


SoberSteve said...

This should interesting. Go ahead and send the question out for the interview.

Have a great weekend, sounds like patch is doing great!


Anonymous said...

I think you must live close by me and must be using the same stretch of road I use. Do you live in North East OH by chance? I think you live in Indiana, but not for sure.

I was going to leave Chick a comment so she could ask me questions, but I think she had 30 or so people commenting her that day and I figured she would be out of questions by the time she got to me, she did ask you some really good ones though, didn't she? I am commenting you and am looking forward to your questions for me. My email is



Glad to hear Patch is doing well. I am sure she can't wait to get rid of her patch.

my4kids said...

Love your answers Dude! I feel your pain with number 2, geez I deal with stupid people every day on the road!
Your love for your wife is always so evident. I love seeing a man who isn't afraid to tell the world (blogiverse) how much he loves his wife!

I'd love to see what kind of questions you could come up with for me. I know you already have my email address since you've emailed me before. So ask away!

That Chick Over There said...

I asked you such questions because I knew you'd have good answers. :)

Also, I taught my son how to pee standing up. I will give no further details on that particular tidbit of information. But I was a single mother and I didn't want anyone to make fun of him. So I taught him.

my4kids said...

Oh I thought I'd add to the comment about peeing standing up if you were a boy. My dear Kenzie the girly girl we love...she has taught herself to pee standing that is a talent itself...she got tired of trying not to wet on herself peeing in the woods and sitting on porta potties.

EE said...

I love that they openned another checkout lane just for you guys!
Does that mean that you all get to park in the handicapped spaces now???
You and 'patch' are so cute together!!!

Real Life in South Carolina said...

You just had to mention how you get to pee standing up, didn't you? SO jealous!

The Old Fart said...

Liked reading your answers. Last week my friend Melli
asked me five questions, you probably read the answers already. Where I already took this quiz I'll pass.

Glad to read Patch is doing better. Blessings wished for both of you.

The Old Fart said...

On second thought Alpha Dude, send me your five questions, I have a couple of days where I'll be by myself while on Holidays. My email address is

Christine said...

On #2, I wouldn't be sure of the details, but it would certainly involve Westboro Baptist Church!!

Amy W said...

Glad Patchy is doing better!

I am all interviewed out. Plus I am totally, unbelievably boring. Seriously.