Tuesday, April 24, 2007

Potty Humor and “That Look”

It seems that a lot of comedians these days that think the use of “potty humor” is funny. I’ve heard these guys. They’re not funny. Their kind of potty humor is sophomoric, gross and stupid. And they just keep on getting worse until someone laughs. I took my wife to a comedy club once because I thought we might have a good time and enjoy some laughs together. Instead, those so-called “comedians” weren’t nearly as funny as they were vulgar. The next time we go to a comedy place, Alpha Dude will be on stage. Because, seriously, even unprepared, I could do ten minutes up there and get more laughs and not use one swear word or sexual reference.

When I think of potty humor, I think of telling my teenagers about the times when they were about three years old and we were trying to get them house-broken. I don’t like the term “potty training”, it just sounds so juvenile. Besides, a dog that has learned where to poop is considered house-broke, so why not children? These stories are even better when you discuss them when their friends are around.

I remember when my son was about three years old, and I could hear his voice from the upstairs bathroom.

“Daaaaaddd! I need wiiiiiiped!”

(looking around) “Honey?”

Why is she never around when I need her? And why is he yelling for me?
There’s nothing more humbling than wiping the butt of a three year old.
All those years of school, two college degrees, a respected member of our church leadership, and my life is defined by wiping my son’s butt.


Something else that happens around the same time as potty-training, is when small children first experience “passing gas”. Come on now, let’s face it, sometimes farting is funny. (Unless you’re the recipient/victim). But for a toddler, farting for the first time can be a little scary, until they learn what it is and then they really have a good time with it. One little “poot” can turn into a major giggle-fest.

I remember one day when our little farting machine was gearing up for a good one. The sinister look on his face meant he was waiting for the pressure to build up so he could surprise his next victim (usually me).

He walked up next to me, gritted his teeth, let out a grunt, and then froze.
The frightened look on his face, that wide-eyed “Oops” look, said it all.
In his half-squat, just-about-to-fart pose, he waddled to the bathroom as fast as his little legs would take him. I could just imagine him “prairie-doggin’” it all the way there.

After a few minutes, I heard his tiny voice from the bathroom,

“Daaaaaddd! I need wiiiiiiped! And clean underwearrrrrr!”

Shortly after that, I had the following conversation with his mother:

“We taught him how to use the toilet, why can’t we teach him to wipe himself?”

“Because his arms are too short. So we have to help him.”

“So, because God didn’t make his little arms long enough, I have to wipe his butt?
I mean, why can’t we just leave him in diapers until his arms get longer?”

She didn’t answer. I just got “That Look”.

That Look” has been around for a long, long time. It can take on different meanings and get different results. But “That Look” basically says only one thing:
“Just do what I’m thinking and don’t make me have to tell you!”

That can also be translated into
“Stop talking”
“You are such a moron”
“Go away” or
”It would be a good idea to buy me jewelry”
(or all of the above).

The Bible even leads us to believe that Jesus got “That Look” from his mother.
(No, I'm not kidding).
You see, at the beginning of His ministry, Jesus attended a wedding.
His mother was also there.
When they ran out of wine, Jesus’ mother simply told him, “They’re out of wine”.
Knowing what she meant, Jesus told her, “Woman, it is not yet my time”.

I don’t know about you, but if I had addressed my mother as “Woman…”, I’d be picking my teeth up off the floor!

But the next thing we read in the second chapter of John, is that after basically telling her “No”, Mary turns to the servants nearby told them to do what Jesus tells them to do. And then Jesus did just what His mother told Him, which was to make more wine! They didn’t argue, they didn’t discuss it, they didn’t talk about it anymore at all. Jesus just simply obeyed his mom. So you KNOW she gave him “That Look”. She must have!

Think about this! In the first chapter of John, we read,
“In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. He was with God in the beginning. Through him all things were made; without him nothing was made that has been made.” (John 1:1-3)

John is talking about Jesus here. We know that Jesus is the Son of God. His name means “God with us”. Jesus is God in the flesh. Right? So you know what that means?

Mary gave God “That Look”!! (That is one brave woman).

But I would guess that Mary would be the only one who could get away with giving God “That Look”. After all, she’s the one who changed the Lord’s poopy diapers when he was little, so I suppose that gave her the right to certain liberties.

(It’s okay, you can come out now. Lightning didn’t strike).

So maybe I’ll sign up for “Open Mic” night at the local comedy club sometime. (Once I build up the nerve). I've spoken in front of large groups before. But it was at church and the last time they let me behind the mic to give my testimony (about being Alpha Dude) I used a Whoopie Cushion. (another story for another time).
The hardest part, I think, will be the fact that they only give you three minutes. I was raised Southern Baptist and come from a long line of Southern Baptist preachers. It takes us more than three minutes just to say “Hello”. So I’ll see if I can cram something funny into a measly three minutes and let you know.

Maybe I’ll look at it as “Mission Work” for those who think vulgarity is funny.



my4kids said...

Alpha Dude I would so like to see you do an open mic night!

Your comments about your son and potty training...hehe..I had to laugh. I was the one getting the look from the hubby when it came to wiping bottoms. There is just something different about wiping a babies butt in a diaper and wiping a toilet trained toddler.

My funny with Izzak when he was potty training. At Kelly's grandparents out with a full house of people who he had only just met. All the adults were talking and from the bathroom which was close by. We all got to hear Izzaks "momma, my butt don't work!"

EE said...

I would so totally come to see you at open mic night!
HH and I went to comedy night at a local club a few years back, and have not been back since...for the same reason.
I love a good poop story...thanks for the laugh!!!

Anonymous said...

Uh, huh, you should do stand up, but ask for double time or something! I love the poopie story, and I was just thinking about Cheryl Crow and her idea of saving the earth...did you hear about that? She thinks we should all just use one square of toilet paper to wipe! The joke has been going around....Nobody wants to shake hands with the lovely Crow! I am sure all the late night talk show hosts are going to have a lot of fun with that one!

But seriously, you should do some stand up, your pretty good!

Real Life in South Carolina said...

Sounds to me like you already have some good material going for open mic night!

Katrina A. said...

Thanks for that blog!!! I needed a good laugh today. You have a gift.

Dr.John said...

I also find little humor in today's " potty humor" . Vulgarity for its own sake makes no sense.