Saturday, July 21, 2007

Could this be why?

Note: I'm feeling a little punchy today and this post is meant mostly just for fun.
(Even if there IS a lot of truth in it!)
No ex-spouses were harmed in the making of this post.

I never knew what real happiness was until I married my first wife. But by then it was too late.

If you’ve been reading my stuff for any length of time, you may be aware that I had been married once before. The marriage was pretty much crap, but I did my best to make it work and to keep it going. Towards the end, all the signals were there to indicate that the marriage was about to die completely, I just didn’t fully see it coming. Maybe I didn’t want to see it. I don’t know.

Judge for yourself……..

Stress from work and trying to make a go of a troubled marriage may have been the root cause of some health problems I was having. We went to the doctor to get me checked out. After examining me, the doctor went out to the waiting room to talk to my wife (now my ex). He said, “I don’t like the looks of your husband.” She replied, “Neither do I, but he sure is good with the kids!”

On our honeymoon night, I asked her, “Am I the first man you’ve ever made love with?”
She replied, “Why does everyone keep asking me that?”

Once, I was in the backyard trying to fly a kite. Every time I tossed it into the air, it came crashing down. I tried time and time again, to no avail. My wife yelled to me from the kitchen window, “You need more tail!” I yelled back to her, “Make up your mind! Last night you told me to go fly a kite!”

I went to see my doctor once and told him I was having chest pains. He asked me, “Do you have a sex life?” “Yes, I do”, I told him.
He recommended that I give up half my sex life.
So I asked him, “Which half? The thinking or the looking?”

I was in a bad mood one day and someone asked me if I "woke up grumpy this morning?", and I said, “No, I just let her sleep.”

I actually hadn’t spoken to her in years.

I was taught it wasn’t polite to interrupt.

We tried marriage counseling. Several times. During one such series of sessions, the counselor asked to see us individually, which was probably better than just refereeing our weekly scheduled arguments.
During my time with the counselor, I told him of how all the stress was affecting my health, that I couldn’t sleep well and that she nags me and criticizes me constantly. I was afraid of accepting any food or drink from her for fear she was trying to poison me. He said he’d look into it and get to the bottom of things so as to calm my fears so I could finally begin to relax.
A couple of days later the counselor called me to tell me that he’d just spent three hours on the phone with her. When I asked him how it went, he simply said, “Take the poison”.

She once asked my doctor, “Give it to me straight, Doc. What’s wrong with my husband?”
The doctor said, “Your husband is in terrible shape. If you want him to live, you are going to have to change your lifestyle. From now on, you have to feed him right and make sure he gets plenty of sleep and wait on him hand and foot.”
When she got home, I asked her what the doctor had told her.
She said, “You’re going to die.”

As you may have guessed, she finally filed for divorce. Even after she swore she wouldn’t.

God is good, though. He blessed me with a most wonderful wife, who is most definitely the truest friend I have ever known.



Ellie said...

There is this show..."Last Comic Standing"...have you heard about it?

My husband loves to watch it...I think one year you should audition and try for it. It sounds like you have gobs of "material". :)

EE said...

Thanks for the laughs today, Dude...I needed them:)

That Chick Over There said...

Okay I groaned and rolled my eyes a few times, but I still laughed.

Real Life in South Carolina said...

I know I'm echoing ee, but thanks for the laughs...